It seems that the lagging economy has even affected Spring Breakers this year.   Many college studetns have decided to stay a little closer to home adn travel by car rather than plane.

But before you leave on that road trip, there are a few things you must remember when taking the long road trip down to the sunny beaches of wherever your going:

1. Before you leave, make sure you havea all forms of identification necessary for the trip (fakes included).
2. Try to pack your luggage into a comfortable order.  If you’re taking a big enough car, allow for room to relax.
3. If your cramped in the car, make sure all windows can roll down.  Once you hit the warm weather, the first thing you’re going to want is to smoke with the windows down and/or put your smelly feet out the window to stretch.
4. Bring plenty of drinks and snacks, preferably ones that are caffeinated and high in sugar for the drivers.  Beef jerky is also a must.
5. Pack a bottle of caffeine pills or fat burners in the glove compartment.  There isn’t enough caffeine and sugar in the snacks to keep a person awake while driving through Georgia (the state’s longer than you think).
6. If you choose to take recreational substances (beer, ganj, etc.), be sure to take in moderation.  You don’t want to shorten the week anymore than it already is.  And DO NOT, we repeat, DO NOT think you can consume these items while driving.  Don’t ruin your spring break.
7. When selecting the car to use, be smart.  Don’t borrow someone’s POS ‘88 two door cavalier and pack in five people.  If there are four plus people, try to get a family vehicle (van, suv, wagon, etc.).  They may not get as good of gas mileage, but six people will still keep the cost reasonable.  Two cars are not a bad idea either for five or more people.
8. Whoever’s car is used, they should be waived from paying for gas.  Even if the car does not need to be fixed after the trip, he’s willing to put on a possible thousand plus miles in seven days or less.
9. Bring plenty of music.  Regardless of what direction you’re driving in, you’re bound to catch a black hole of radio stations.  Or even worse, the only two stations available for a hundred miles is shit we torture terrorists with 24/7.  Plus, your burned copy of Dave will eventually get old and make everyone very uncomfortable and restless.
10. Sleep on teh trip as much as possible.  There are many landscapes on the way that are not worth staying awake for, and you want to be as rested as possible ’cause you ain’t gonna want to sleep much over break.  Plus, it’s like being a kid on Christmas Eve.  the sooner you go to sleep, the quicker tomorrow comes.
11. If you’re traveling in multiple cars, try to get your hands on a couple of walkie talkies.   This will cut down on your cell phone bill, because you’ll be roaming once you leave school.  Another advantage is picking up other people on the walkie talkies and perhaps making friends before you get to the beach.
12. Bring a dry erase board.  You’re gonna want to have some fun with the other drivers on the trip.
13. Make sure you have some type of driving order and equal separation of driving time among your group.  You don’t want to get stuck driving longer than you have to.
14. To shorten the trip, go to the bathroom everytime you fill up.  You want to reduce the risk of having to pull off onto a random exit, search for the nearest gas station, and waste more time because Johnny forgot to take a leak earlier.
15. Bring something to keep you entertained.  A magazine, some Mad Libs, or even your old GameBoy you had packed away in the closet for three years.  The “name game” and trying to figure out how many words begin with the letter ‘Q’ only goes so far.
16. DO NOT BRING YOUR SCHOOL BOOKS!  Even if you swore to yourself that you’d get some homework done over break, you’re not going to.  Doing school work over break defeats the purpose of going and you won’t do it once you’re down there.  TRUST US.
17. Try to check the weather before you leave.  If there’s supposed to be tornadoes flying around on the trip, you’re going to want to pick the perfect driver for that shift.
18. If you get the opportunity to sit “shot-gun”, don’t disrespect it.  You’re the drivers wingman, and unless they give you permission to catch a few z’s, he/she will want you to stay up and entertain them.
19. Check the engine oil pressure and tire pressure!  Try to prevent the least amount of problems for that long road trip.
20. Have enough money to get home.  Yeah, we know.  Who wants to come home?  But if you don’t have neough money to get home, you certainly do not have enough to stay anywhere with four walls and a roof for an extra week.  Your not going to want to end up pulling scores at Chuck’s “Chick” Strip just to get back.

That’s about all we can think about in our pre-Spring Break fogged up minds.  Remember, these are tried and tested!  We wouldn’t want to have to say we “Told you so!”

Ah, the start of another school semester, my last here at NIU.  What I’m going to leave this place with is a legacy of liver disease, enough credit card debt to make Paris Hilton’s slutty jaw drop, and a pretty thorough understanding of what makes college students tick.  I’ve made some amazing friends while meandering my way through the drunken corn-maze that is DeKalb, Illinois.  I intend to honor our bonds with a semester-long-Leaving-Las-Vegas-style booze binge which will leave me with memories to last a lifetime (if it doesn’t result in my vomit-related death).

One semester left.  That’s one hundred and two days for those of you that are counting and 2,448 hours for you nerds out there fingering your TI-83’s.  A mere 146,880 minutes left in this wonderfully unique environment where 4 am is considered early on weekends which last from 4:45 Pm on Wednesdays to approximately 6 pm on Sundays and you sober up to the grim reality of somehow being expected to function without Miller High Life.  But at this point, you’re no nubie.  You’re smart enough to schedule your classes around Rock of Love re-runs and your sloth-like sleeping habits.  By this time, you’ve opted to live with other pseudo-alcoholic-vampires who, like you , find it socially acceptable to skip a class located two blocks away, but willingly stumble over to a party two miles away in a blizzard wearing your favorite toe-mangling heels.

My time in college is always a time I’ll treasure.  As much as I want to punch people who say “College is the best years of your life” directly in the throat I have to admit that those cliche-ridden bastards are probably right.  If you’re like me and have spent a significant amount of time at your parents’ house over break, you’ve gained an appreciation for the freedom college has allotted us.  There’s just no way the type of behavior that we college kids routinely engage in away from our parents’ prying eyes would fly in the real world, a sad place where huge bong rips and foxy-boxing are looked down upon rather than celebrated in all their glory .   I mean, you should hear the slew of criticisms that I endure as I stumble up the stairs in my parents’ house at 4 am dressed like a cheap hooker while yelling out obscenities at the cat.

College is the only place where silly drunken behavior is truly appreciated so enjoy it while you can my fellow boozehounds.  Hopefully, the memories we create here can at least provide us with some entertaining stories we can tell each other while we pretend that we’re content with our mundane, middle-aged march towards inevitable death.

We here at the Fifth Year pride ourselves on our vast array of knowledge and
hard-earned wisdom when it comes to the college experience.  Whether it be
quick hangover cures, relationship advice, or emergency scholastic remedies,
we’ve been there, we’ve done it and we know what it’s like (to stand in line
at Walgreens waiting for the anti-inflammaotry cream you’ve been prescribed
as a result of a particularly raunchy weekend fuckfest, that is).

So what’s the most important nugget of wisdom (heh, heh…nugget) we can
offer you?  That’s simple: Education, in itself is an admirable thing.  It’s
why we’re all here, after all.  But it’s probably a good idea to remember
that nothing worth knowing can be taught.  The memories you take away from
this place will most likely have nothing to do with the time you spend
secretly picking your nose in a quiet corner in Cole Hall three times each
week.  What you will remember and laugh about years from now is the night
you and your buddies streaked across the grassy knoll between Grant and
Stevenson on a particularly chilly night in February, or the time you and
the kid down the hall had to go in hiding for three days because the fat
chick down the all ratted you out for throwing stolen pumpkins from the 6th
floor lounge window.

The bottom line is that the quality of the time you spend here is
determined by the people you choose to surround yourself with.  And, since
the freshman experience involves being thrust into a confined space (i.e. a
dorm) with a crazy variety of people from all sorts of backgrounds and
places, we’ve taken the liberty of sorting them into various categories,
giving you, our loyal readers, some insight into what you’re in for.  That’s
right, we’ve shamelessly pigeon-holed every single god damn person we’ve
ever come across so that you can be informed before befriending the
closet-dendrapheliac that says hello to you in the elevator ride up to your
room.  Enjoy, kids and just remember that when it comes to friendship, the
best time to make friends is before you need them (to give you THC-free
urine to pass a random drug test that is).

The Drug Dealer: He’s got awesome pot, even awesome-er shrooms, and a
pretty severe coke addiction, meaning that he probably won’t make it through
a full year of school, so hang out while you can.  The downside of calling
the floor dealer your friend?  Be prepared to have large amounts of cash on
hand to bail him out of jail at 3 in the morning.  Then there’s always a
chance you may get busted, especially since you’ve allowed him to store a
huge bong in your closet, and a good amount of heroin in your mattress.
Plus it’s pretty hard to adhere to a rigorous class schedule when you’re
always itching.

The Straight-Edge Kid that Goes Nuts When He gets to College (Also known as
the Virgin that becomes a Slut when She gets to College): These are usually
kids that have led pretty sheltered and/or strict lives up until now.  Or,
they come from towns that have a population that’s half the size of your
graduating class.  To them, college equals freedom, and freedom means
getting as fucked up and doing the craziest shit imaginable because there’s
no one to answer to.  The upside?  They’re always up for trying new shit,
whether it be deemed socially unacceptable or a federal offense.  The
downside: trying to convince them that the laws of physics apply to them as
they’re doing 80 down Annie Glidden Road after finishing off a bottle of
Jack and enough coke to kill a small horse.  Also, being an accomplice to
such risky behavior will surely result in some sort of fine, a particularly
uncomfortable venereal disease, or even death.  And c’mon, do you want to be
chums with someone who can usually be found wandering around the floor naked
and screaming obscenities every weekend?  (The answer to this question
better be “fuck yes!”)

The Rich Kid: Living proof that nice clothes, a nice car, and daddy’s
credit card usually equals asshole.  Work?  Work is for people whose parents
don’t like the idea of constantly wiping their children’s asses.  If you
enjoy playing the latest and most expensive video games or ordering food
without having to pay for it, consider making the rich kid your new best
friend.  However, be aware of the fact that someone who has no concept of
being broke won’t tolerate your attempts to conserve money.

The Floor Slut: Her hobbies include letting frat boys give it to her from
behind, stumbling down the Walk of Shame, giggling, making out with other
girls, doing lines off guy’s dicks, and crying hysterically about
overhearing someone call her a skank.
Will it be gentleman #1, #2, or #3 tonight?  Hell, why put yourself through
the agony of having to pick?  You won’t remember in the morning.  So, take
your liberties gentleman…as far as my experience in this realm is concerned,
she got this bombed for a reason, and you’re it.  But be aware of the rising
costs of abortions, since you may be required to pay for one as a direct
result of the floor slut’s late-night company.

The Floor Stoner/Hippie: Easy to spot (and smell).  Usually found standing
in front of the elevator smiling for no apparent reason, having forgotten to
push the button that makes the elevator come.  “Dude the elevator’s busted.”
No, dude.  You’re just blazed.
A stoner’s wardrobe is compromised of khaki cargo shorts (many pockets, lots
of stuff to hold-wink, wink), hoodie, hemp necklace, dread locks, and ankle
bracelets regardless of gender.  This person will celebrate 420 like it’s
Christmas.  Their dorm room will surely have Fabreeze, incense, Bob Marley
CDs, masking tape, blow tubes, and a fan facing the window.  Being the
open-minded and generous individuals that they are, stoners will get you
high for the first time because they get some sort of weird pleasure from it
that’s similar to the little ego boost a guy gets from popping a virgin’s
cherry.  Be aware that hanging with the floor stoner will result in the
memorization of  every single episode of Family Guy, a lowered GPA due to
Anti-Motivational Syndrome (a.k.a. laziness), and of course, weight gain.

The Frat Guy/ Sorority Girl: They value friendship so highly that they’re
even willing to pay for it.  Because they have taken ingesting alcohol and
made t into an art form, frat and sorority members usually have access to
the best parties and largest pools of attractive, horny singles.  However,
be advised that if you aren’t planning on devoting every iota of your free
time to the Greek system, befriending someone who is probably a bad idea
since all floor bonds will pretty much be forgotten once Hell Week starts.

The Anal Computer Nerd: He’s already got tickets to the next Star Wars
movie, and the timer on his AOL Buddy List reads something like “48 days, 6
hour, and 22 minutes”.  He’s planning on staying in the dorms during winter
break because the internet connection at his parents’ house “sucks”.  He
never parties, but you can count on him to bitch when you do.  My advice, be
nice to him and he’ll be there for you when your computer crashes.  Be too
nice to him, however, and you may run the risk of calling him your new
Facebook stalker.

The Fat Chick: She has a crush on every guy on the floor, but her love of
her male floor mates is only surpassed by her love of consuming entire
packages of Oreos at three in the morning.  You can be sure she’s got the
Platinum Meal plan so hit her up late in the month for free access to the
Stevenson food court.  Fat chicks usually have hot friends, since according
to the female mentality, hanging out with those that are less attractive
than you only makes you appear hotter.  The fat chick can be cool, but she
can also be a drama-causing bitch.  Just remember that offering her baked
goods will surely lead to forgiveness.

What to do:

• be able to snag a hoodie to cover your Identity.
• (If you are leaving a Frat or sorority make sure it doesn’t have letters on it!)
  
• Make sure you get a t-shirt to remember where you shacked.
• Girls: Wear long sweatpants to Cover your heels from the night before.
• Girls: Before you go out for the night make sure you have a hair tie just in case, walking home the next morning with sex hair isn’t attractive.
• Guys: Make sure you snag a hat so you don’t walk home with the sex hair from the night before.

What not to do:

• Girls: don’t wear basketball shorts or boxers with the hole in the crotch and your heels from the night before home.
• Girl: Don’t wear the big hoop earrings from the night before home
• Girls: Make sure you have a big purse for any items you don’t want visible to the public.
• Don’t visibly carry your shoes home.

Welcome Back to the Fifth Year!!  We ARE the collegiate know-it-all publication!

Hey all you new ass clowns, welcome to the next best 5 years of your life!!  And to those who wrapped themselves around their favorite handle too many times last semester to graduate in 4 years, welcome to the elite club known as The Fifth Year!

We are STRICTLY here for your entertainment…well, we also crave the attention.  Don’t worry, we promise our publication will never be a waste of time.

This is a privately run publication with no relation to any others you may have already encountered and thrown away.  We are college students just tryin’ to make a name for ourselves, and do encourage all of you to fill us in with your input.  The Fifth Year wants your readership and if we have to bribe you to read it by printing interesting stories, games, ideas or other useless facts you may have…well then by-golly, start typing!  Anyways, enough small talk.  We hope you’ll spend as much time–a very long time–talking about us as we did putting it all together!

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