The College Stereotypes

What do you get when you mix thousands of hormonally-driven, deviant
teenagers, a bunch of liquor, an onslaught of opportunities to experiment
with and the opposite sex’s body parts, and the occasional textbook?
College, of course.  Or, as I like to call it, the best 4-6 years of your
life.

We here at the Fifth Year pride ourselves on our vast array of knowledge and
hard-earned wisdom when it comes to the college experience.  Whether it be
quick hangover cures, relationship advice, or emergency scholastic remedies,
we’ve been there, we’ve done it and we know what it’s like (to stand in line
at Walgreens waiting for the anti-inflammaotry cream you’ve been prescribed
as a result of a particularly raunchy weekend fuckfest, that is).

So what’s the most important nugget of wisdom (heh, heh…nugget) we can
offer you?  That’s simple: Education, in itself is an admirable thing.  It’s
why we’re all here, after all.  But it’s probably a good idea to remember
that nothing worth knowing can be taught.  The memories you take away from
this place will most likely have nothing to do with the time you spend
secretly picking your nose in a quiet corner in Cole Hall three times each
week.  What you will remember and laugh about years from now is the night
you and your buddies streaked across the grassy knoll between Grant and
Stevenson on a particularly chilly night in February, or the time you and
the kid down the hall had to go in hiding for three days because the fat
chick down the all ratted you out for throwing stolen pumpkins from the 6th
floor lounge window.

The bottom line is that the quality of the time you spend here is
determined by the people you choose to surround yourself with.  And, since
the freshman experience involves being thrust into a confined space (i.e. a
dorm) with a crazy variety of people from all sorts of backgrounds and
places, we’ve taken the liberty of sorting them into various categories,
giving you, our loyal readers, some insight into what you’re in for.  That’s
right, we’ve shamelessly pigeon-holed every single god damn person we’ve
ever come across so that you can be informed before befriending the
closet-dendrapheliac that says hello to you in the elevator ride up to your
room.  Enjoy, kids and just remember that when it comes to friendship, the
best time to make friends is before you need them (to give you THC-free
urine to pass a random drug test that is).

The Drug Dealer: He’s got awesome pot, even awesome-er shrooms, and a
pretty severe coke addiction, meaning that he probably won’t make it through
a full year of school, so hang out while you can.  The downside of calling
the floor dealer your friend?  Be prepared to have large amounts of cash on
hand to bail him out of jail at 3 in the morning.  Then there’s always a
chance you may get busted, especially since you’ve allowed him to store a
huge bong in your closet, and a good amount of heroin in your mattress.
Plus it’s pretty hard to adhere to a rigorous class schedule when you’re
always itching.

The Straight-Edge Kid that Goes Nuts When He gets to College (Also known as
the Virgin that becomes a Slut when She gets to College): These are usually
kids that have led pretty sheltered and/or strict lives up until now.  Or,
they come from towns that have a population that’s half the size of your
graduating class.  To them, college equals freedom, and freedom means
getting as fucked up and doing the craziest shit imaginable because there’s
no one to answer to.  The upside?  They’re always up for trying new shit,
whether it be deemed socially unacceptable or a federal offense.  The
downside: trying to convince them that the laws of physics apply to them as
they’re doing 80 down Annie Glidden Road after finishing off a bottle of
Jack and enough coke to kill a small horse.  Also, being an accomplice to
such risky behavior will surely result in some sort of fine, a particularly
uncomfortable venereal disease, or even death.  And c’mon, do you want to be
chums with someone who can usually be found wandering around the floor naked
and screaming obscenities every weekend?  (The answer to this question
better be “fuck yes!”)

The Rich Kid: Living proof that nice clothes, a nice car, and daddy’s
credit card usually equals asshole.  Work?  Work is for people whose parents
don’t like the idea of constantly wiping their children’s asses.  If you
enjoy playing the latest and most expensive video games or ordering food
without having to pay for it, consider making the rich kid your new best
friend.  However, be aware of the fact that someone who has no concept of
being broke won’t tolerate your attempts to conserve money.

The Floor Slut: Her hobbies include letting frat boys give it to her from
behind, stumbling down the Walk of Shame, giggling, making out with other
girls, doing lines off guy’s dicks, and crying hysterically about
overhearing someone call her a skank.
Will it be gentleman #1, #2, or #3 tonight?  Hell, why put yourself through
the agony of having to pick?  You won’t remember in the morning.  So, take
your liberties gentleman…as far as my experience in this realm is concerned,
she got this bombed for a reason, and you’re it.  But be aware of the rising
costs of abortions, since you may be required to pay for one as a direct
result of the floor slut’s late-night company.

The Floor Stoner/Hippie: Easy to spot (and smell).  Usually found standing
in front of the elevator smiling for no apparent reason, having forgotten to
push the button that makes the elevator come.  “Dude the elevator’s busted.”
No, dude.  You’re just blazed.
A stoner’s wardrobe is compromised of khaki cargo shorts (many pockets, lots
of stuff to hold-wink, wink), hoodie, hemp necklace, dread locks, and ankle
bracelets regardless of gender.  This person will celebrate 420 like it’s
Christmas.  Their dorm room will surely have Fabreeze, incense, Bob Marley
CDs, masking tape, blow tubes, and a fan facing the window.  Being the
open-minded and generous individuals that they are, stoners will get you
high for the first time because they get some sort of weird pleasure from it
that’s similar to the little ego boost a guy gets from popping a virgin’s
cherry.  Be aware that hanging with the floor stoner will result in the
memorization of  every single episode of Family Guy, a lowered GPA due to
Anti-Motivational Syndrome (a.k.a. laziness), and of course, weight gain.

The Frat Guy/ Sorority Girl: They value friendship so highly that they’re
even willing to pay for it.  Because they have taken ingesting alcohol and
made t into an art form, frat and sorority members usually have access to
the best parties and largest pools of attractive, horny singles.  However,
be advised that if you aren’t planning on devoting every iota of your free
time to the Greek system, befriending someone who is probably a bad idea
since all floor bonds will pretty much be forgotten once Hell Week starts.

The Anal Computer Nerd: He’s already got tickets to the next Star Wars
movie, and the timer on his AOL Buddy List reads something like “48 days, 6
hour, and 22 minutes”.  He’s planning on staying in the dorms during winter
break because the internet connection at his parents’ house “sucks”.  He
never parties, but you can count on him to bitch when you do.  My advice, be
nice to him and he’ll be there for you when your computer crashes.  Be too
nice to him, however, and you may run the risk of calling him your new
Facebook stalker.

The Fat Chick: She has a crush on every guy on the floor, but her love of
her male floor mates is only surpassed by her love of consuming entire
packages of Oreos at three in the morning.  You can be sure she’s got the
Platinum Meal plan so hit her up late in the month for free access to the
Stevenson food court.  Fat chicks usually have hot friends, since according
to the female mentality, hanging out with those that are less attractive
than you only makes you appear hotter.  The fat chick can be cool, but she
can also be a drama-causing bitch.  Just remember that offering her baked
goods will surely lead to forgiveness.