College Requirements!

During your five or six year stint as a college student, it is necessary to learn the proper etiquette associated with the position.  Now I may have no idea what the hell I'm talking about, but I've observed a few things about college behavior that are indeed worth sharing.

1. Facebook is the best way to communicate with people.  God forbid you use your phone or your legs, you lazy asshole.
2. Buying several pieces of apparel with your college's name on it is mandatory.  Not only will you be whoring yourself to the university, but you'll stand out as an individual.
3. Everyone loves your music.  Seriously.  Turn up the volume even more so the entire floor can hear it.
4. While you're walking around campus at night completely wasted and you get caught by the cops, attempt to talk your way out of it.  Alcohol only makes you more charming and your argument flawless.  Police also enjoy a playful fist fight now and then.
5. Leave intoxicated messages on your friends facebook status messages and answering machines.  Sober people love you when you're drunk.
6. If you're running late for a morning class due to a late night drinking binge, getting properly dressed is a no-go.  Instead, get decked out in your favorite pajama pants and Northern sweatshirt.  Cover your greasy head with a hat and be prepared to communicate with those around you with a series of nods and shrugs.
7. Piling your laundry in a closet or corner is an art form. Consider it a stupendous monument to your total apathy and lack of cleanliness.
8. It isn't cheating if you and the other person are drunk. In fact, tell your significant other that if they drank a bit more themselves they'd get more action in bed. Your significant other will surely realize the folly of his or her ways and promise to better themselves if they really care about you.
9. If you see someone passed out drunk laugh at their naivete and draw male genitalia on their face.  Every one loves male genitalia.  And don't forget your camera (Send us the picture!)
10. Always have your cell phone on during class.  There's nothing cooler than hearing a bastardized version of Top 40 songs during a lecture.
11. It's a natural urge to kill your roommate.  Just make it look like suicide so you can milk the academic system for all it's worth.
12. Be a good floor mate by making sure everyone gets up on time for their morning classes.  Have your alarm go off while you are in class, but always remember to leave the door to your room securely locked.
13. Always succumb to peer pressure, because blindly saying yes is better than thinking on your own any day.
14. It is mandatory that you talk about sex, alcohol, and/or drugs at least once a day.  If not, then why are you here??
15. And most importantly, don't forget to sugarcoat or blatantly lie to your parents about what you re actually doing in college.  They don't want to know about how you're wasting their money by getting drunk, banging strangers, and procrastinating by reading fine college publications such as this one.